Colonel Elijah St. John Holdstock (retired)

Colonel Elijah St. John Holdstock (retired), yet another retired Colonel with nothing to do with his spare time but drink brandy and chase badgers around with a broom whilst singing Moon shanties has regaled us with this fine tale. We're sure it's all true:

"My Dear Doctor Grordbort, As you know, many is the time I've felt the need for a truly reliable sidearm. I still recall one occasion, many years ago now when I was with His Majesty's 32nd Aetheric Hussars. It was a hard and bloody campaign but I had my dear old compatriot Chuffers (otherwise known as that legendary figure Major Dick Chuffey) at my side. We were standing knee deep in offal, fighting off the last of the vile Spunk-Pigs of Arcadia 14. Every weapon had been spent and still the repulsive horde spewed forth from the stinking swill-hives toward us.

I finally managed armed with nothing more than the sharpened thighbone of our late Lieutenant, Calvin 'Pee-Wee' Praetorius to finish the last of the blighters off. I barely got away from that disgusting rock with my life and Chuffers, of course, wasn't so lucky. Things might have been very different had I felt the solidly reassuring weight of your incomparable F.M.O.M Industries Wave Disrupter Gun in my hand instead of a bit of that poor chap's leg.

I left the Hussars soon afterwards to pursue the life of a Gentleman Adventurer and, over the years, I have still had occasion to wish for a superior stripe of weapon. Once, my arch nemesis Baron Otto Tiberius (curse his very name!) trailed me to the palatial boudoir complex of Lulu & Vulva: The nymphomaniac Baxendale twins of Callisto. My travelling companion, that drunkard, charlatan and quisling, Archbishop Harvey Hogwood, had tipped the swine off as to my whereabouts and he had gained entry in the hopes of bumping me off In Flagrante, so to speak. Luckily, I was sporting more than one sword that day and a flamboyant bout of duelling ensued before the loathsome Tiberius retreated uttering bitter curses. He bears the scars of that encounter to this day but I can't help thinking that had I only been concealing the splendid Goliathon 83 about my person as I canoodled with the delightful Baxendales the encounter might have reached a far more satisfying (and in Otto's case, permanent) climax.

I'm gratified to know that future generations of adventurer will benefit from the precision engineering, the reliability and the ferocious power of your new range of Aetheric Oscillators. Indeed I am even now planning what will, I trust, be my ultimate encounter with the malevolent Baron Tiberius.

There's life in the old dog yet and on this last great escapade my untiring companion shall be my personal favourite from your new collection: The peerless Manmelter 3600 ZX.

Yours, as always"