Buck Offendai, Self proclaimed Space 'Hero' (and by some accounts, something of a catch) is another in the long line of bum-chinned buffoons whose scintillating anecdotes we receive every week. Believe us when we tell you that the stack of these self-infatuated transcripts is as high as a dinner table, in fact we use the stack to eat dinner off of. It's very convenient. You may read the latest tale of raw heroism below:

"My FMOM Industries Wave Disruptor saved me from certain death at the hands of the Martian moonworm. Without my trusty sidearm, I never would have been able to convince the professor's buxom daughter to precede me into the lair of the beast. Elivira's blood curdling shriek hinted at possible danger just as I was about to consider tiptoeing up to the entrance of the slime-encrusted cavern. A lesser man may have sacrificed himself in vain, but I knew I had no time to lose. As I sprinted back to the spacerocket, my keen intellect was already formulating a plan to get a full refund on the engagement ring.

I apprised the professor of the situation as I climbed over him on the way to the aerolock. Once in the pilot's seat, I immediately checked my hair in the rearview mirror and started warming up the spacemotor. The professor argued that we should stay on, and avail ourselves of the opportunity to observe the Martian moonworm's table manners first hand.

But even his mental prowess had to bow to the superior logic afforded by a Wave Disruptor set on "fricassee." Once we were safely in space, the professor became disconsolate over his interrupted research. I tried to distract him from his whimpering by engaging him in intellectual discourse. "So, is your younger daughter seeing anyone...?"

Celestially yours,"